Sad Panda

April 22, 2011 at 9:43 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m feeling a little down today. Okay, a lot down.

It started with more not sleeping a lot last night. Tired and grumpy is never a good way to start off, but since I’m not a morning person I’m usually kinda grumpy. Then my first class was uber boring, and my second class got canceled at the last minute because Dr. Towe was like “I totally came prepared to lecture today… I just don’t feel like it. Here’s this, I’ll finish this bit of work and you guys can go home and work on that paper I assigned that’s due Wednesday. Also, no class on Monday so you can do the peer reviews, and I’ll see you on Wednesday. Maybe no class on Friday.”

I mean, that was good. We don’t really do anything in that class, it’s just not fun that I have to get up at 8am for one class instead of two.

I got jumped on in my afternoon class. I called the main character in the book we’re reading a coward. One of the book’s themes is the fight or flight instinct, and Lilith clearly goes with flight. She’s all about self-preserverance. Most of the time, she doesn’t care about what happens to the others in her care, she wants to better her own situation as best she can. She wants to live just to escape her situation, she isn’t fighting it because going along makes it all easier. People don’t see that as cowardice, and say that if she was truly a coward, she would have killed herself. Well… Killing yourself isn’t always an act of cowardice. It’s an act of selfishness, for sure, but if you want to live, just not in your situation, you run. She can’t, she’s stuck on a space ship in orbit outside of the moon, but she plans on it as soon as she can. My definition of coward is different than others, but I got jumped on and essentially called stupid because I see her as a huge coward.

Bummed because it’s raining and cold, and I just want it to be warm. It’s supposed to be warm tomorrow. That should be nice.

And then… the big thing. I stepped down as vice-president of ANO today. My term ended. This… this was a huge part of my life for 2 years. ANO in general has been a huge part of my life since I started college. I found a place of acceptance here. I had something to do every Friday night. I found friends here. My horizons expanded so much. I got back into writing after a two year case of writer’s block. I got back into the convention scene, I started cosplaying again. I found happiness. And as vice-president, I grew a lot as a person. I found my ability to speak softly and carry a big stick. (even speak loudly and carry a big stick). I broke one of my shells of shyness. I became more organized, I learned leadership (as cliche as that is)… I got migraines, I didn’t sleep, I cried, I got frustrated, I lived on my e-mail for months.

I fought tooth and nail and had to go through two elections on the same night to actually get elected in because of a tie and came out with just barely a margin over my opponent, and then I completely rocked this position. I got called a bitch for my… unorthodox way of speaking and handling part of it, but I did my job. I did my job well. I had some big shoes to fill, but I think I left some bigger ones in my wake.

And now that’s over.

And I’m sad.

Four years. They go by really fast.

I already cried once tonight. I think I’ll be doing it again later.

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