April 3, 2011 at 1:42 am (Uncategorized)

Anyone crying spoilers for this needs to be smacked. It’s been 11 years. Spoilers become irrelevant after a year.

My BFF Alyssa and I have this bad habit of paying out a good chunk of our hard-earned money to watch horrible, horrible movies at the theater. This tradition kind of happened by accident. It was during Spider-man 2 that we found ourselves unable to keep up with the “please no talking during the movie” courtesy; there were simply too many things going badly that we HAD to make fun of it.

I think the first thing was Peter Parker’s bed. Seriously, go watch those movies, when Peter is in his apartment. He has like, one of those display beds from the department store. It’s ridiculously tiny. We were like, “Did he just put on the costume and take it? They were all ‘It’s Spider-man, if he needs a bed who are we to stop him’??”

For everyone about to say “There’s a special circle in hell for pedophiles and people who talk during movies”, I kindly ask you to fuck off. There’s no possible way you can sit around and say you find no ridiculous faults in any movie. Even movies I love, I’m like “lol did that really make the final cut in the script?”

So, Alyssa and I become Stadler and Waldorf for an evening. We are grumpy old puppet men in twenty-something year old women’s bodies.

However, this is difficult around like… anytime during the school year. Especially because she’s a student teacher, and I’m 3 hours away. Plus, all the horrible movies are released this time of year. The ones begging to be made fun of. So, I watch movies by myself and make fun of them, and then get sad because no one else finds my witticisms funny like she does, and I have no one to bounce off a routine with.

What brought this on was that I watched “The Patriot” on USA tonight. Yes, for some reason they thought they could edit it enough to show it on cable TV–however, it did get the 11pm slot, so probably not as much as could be edited was. I have also NEVER SEEN THIS MOVIE. I went in with a clean slate, and no misconceptions about the movie… and tore it apart.

Okay, it was a decent movie. I will give it that. I got emotional in the right parts. Mel was wooden as usual, he could have definitely been… more emotional around the actors playing his children, but… eh. Maybe in the late 18th century, fathers weren’t very emotional around their children. I don’t know. Decent storyline, kind of dragged on a bit, but they had to make the point.

However… I tend to have a problem with the execution of climaxes. (hurr hurr, okay, that’s out of my system) I feel that the majority of them go in with great ideas. But… when you’re basing it on real events, or a historical fact, you have to tread very carefully. For instance, Colonel Tavington (Jason Isaacs, the guy who plays Lucius Malfoy in the Harry Potter movies) gets shot about five times over the course of the movie. He never seeks medical attention, at least on screen, and while others sustain similar injuries and instantly die, he just gets back up and goes off to DO MOAR EBIL. I’m sorry, but it is 1780. Shoddy buckshot bullets, horrible living conditions, he should have died about an hour before the movie ended, not in the climax. EVEN IN THE FINAL BATTLE, he was all “Yeah I’m totally getting shot but i’m fine, don’t worry, let me slice up these rebels some more.”

For another… Mel Gibson, stop being all inspirational. That was ridiculous, his son died and he’s all “Nope, sorry, go on without me to fight the big battle.” And then he goes to bury him… and finds the flag Gabriel was holding, all patched up. This is INSPIRATIONAL to him, and then he hitches it up to a pole, gets on his horse, and RIDES OFF TO INSPIRE THE TROOPS. The inspirational message behind it was completely over the top and ridiculous, I laughed. “YEAH! IT’S BEN! HE HAS A FLAG. YEAH, WE’RE TOTALLY GONNA WIN!”

The flag motif comes up about twenty more times in the next half hour before the movie is over. Such as during said fight with our immortal friend Colonel Tavington, Mel Gibson is losing, and getting all slit to pieces… he’s about to get his head cut off but OH MY GOODNESS LOOK AT THAT FLAG. One of the rebel soldiers is waving the American flag, and Mel’s all “Fuck this, I can’t die BARREL ROLL” and dodges just in time to avoid getting his head cut off, turns and kills Tavington. AMERICA. YEAH. FREEDOM AND SHIT.

(I do love my country, but the symbolism makes me laugh. I’m cynical)

I know, I know, it’s Hollywood. It wouldn’t be interesting and worth paying $10-$20 a ticket if we didn’t have the hero conquering all. But I am firmly grounded in realism, so movies that handwave all wounds make me facepalm. Let’s get a doctor on set and go over the screenplay. We wouldn’t have nearly as many heroes living to the end that way.

How would THAT be for a twist ending, M. Night Shamallamadingdong?


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